Our Inability to Say ‘No’ – A Cause for Anger or Resentment

By Andreas Moritz

Anger or resentment can be caused by our inability to say “no” when we really don’t want to do something, but agree to do it nevertheless. Many of us feel obliged to say “yes” because we feel that it is expected of us. And if we say “no”, we may fear that this will cause problems in a relationship or we will no longer be liked or loved.

The ‘yes attitude’ may be a result of deep-seated beliefs and codes of behavior that are connected with education, religion, gender and class. If you perceive someone as being more powerful or influential than you, such as your boss, you are more likely to say “yes” to a request of his than if it came from someone who is an employee of yours. People who only say “yes” all the time often have low self-esteem.

Society may see them as the most selfless people who would do anything to help others. Their being selfless is, however, rather a sign of being low in self-worth. They sacrifice their lives for others so that they are loved and appreciated. However, these ‘saints’ often become martyrs. The typical character traits of their personality are self sacrifice, being a ‘good’ person, always friendly and happy-looking, never having time for themselves.

Over-caring is as harmful as is under-caring. Yet love is not about giving oneself away like a slave, this only causes resentment. It is more about honoring and appreciating one’s life so much that love simply spills over to others. For such a person, giving and sharing comes naturally without the need for acknowledgment.

Both “yes” and “no” are part of life. Say “yes” when it makes you feel good, but please say “no” when you do not want to do something. Going against your own gut feelings leads to conflicts and complications, whereas following them opens you to solutions and new opportunities.Even if you risk losing your job or breaking off a relationship, honoring your inner feelings will benefit you in the long run.

Self-honesty is the highest form of honesty and the only one that can bring you lasting happiness. Hiding your true feelings from yourself or others is an attempt of your ego to live up to an idealized image of yourself. Being honest with others means that you are not afraid to show them who you really are and what you really feel. As a golden rule, you can only be as honest with others as you are with yourself. Since our cultural upbringing has associated saying “yes” to being liked and saying “no” to being rejected or disliked, most people tend to prefer the ‘yes version’ of communication, especially when they relate to a boss or a person close to them. Unlike small children who do not hesitate to say “no” when they feel like it – they know instinctively that they are still loved by their parents – we have learnt to buy our love with the little word “yes”, yet this may make us increasingly resentful.

Saying “yes” when we mean “no” creates an internal conflict between what we really would like to do and what we are expected to do.Subtle blackmail, bribery and self-fulfilling rules and regulations formulated by parents, teachers and other authority figures have taught us to conform to manipulation. Saying “yes” seemed to be the only way to get what we wanted but we had to pay a price for it. Because we were afraid of facing the undesirable consequences that a “no” would have triggered, feelings of frustration, anger, insecurity, anxiety and guilt gradually began to replace our innate spontaneous ability to be carefree and honest. As we continued growing up, we increasingly adopted the same or similar methods of manipulating others.

The irony of all this is that other people prefer you to be straight and honest about how you really feel rather than to be given last minute excuses or resentful acceptances for, let’s say, an invitation. To say “yes” when you feel like saying “no” is called lying, but in reality, it is “self denial.” So the next time when you say “yes” but really feel like saying “no”, utter to yourself: “I have said ‘yes’ again when I didn’t truly mean it.” This will take your old unconscious ‘say yes’ pattern into your conscious awareness and allow you either to undo it and tell the truth or to transform it into a lesson of learning for yourself.

Becoming aware is the fastest way of learning from your emotions and a safe way to overcome emotional problems in life. Also, vigorous exercise can help you deal with repressed anger. It supports the body in its attempt to flush out the excess amount of noradrenalin – the chemical equivalent of anger. Exercise restores the chemical balance of the body and elevates your self-esteem. Talking to friends about how you feel, expressing your anger through writing or counseling, and minimizing it through meditation can all help in dealing with this unpleasant and destructive emotion. These methods act like letting the steam out of a pressure cooker, allowing you to gain deeper insights from your emotions.

Anyone who suffers from constant anger or frustration in life has accumulated large numbers of gallstones, both in the liver and in the gallbladder. One of the fastest ways of clearing old resentments and repressed anger is to eliminate all gallstones through a series of liver flushes. As long as bile ducts are blocked and bile flow is obstructed, energy and joyful feelings will be subdued, and anger and frustration will be exacerbated. Gallstones are a constant source of recurring irritation; by removing them, the above methods of dealing with emotions become much easier and more successful.

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